I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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