Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
