it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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