Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
