proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he thought i was a dude.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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