I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
