The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
