I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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