someone threw a dead crab at me
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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