I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
