I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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