i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
