I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
