Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
