i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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