I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
