wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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