my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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