is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think I sprained my soul last night
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
