i think my tv is drunk
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
