I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
