had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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