Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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