Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
