There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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