a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
