My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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