I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's never too late to be topless.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
