he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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