Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
