He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
