WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
