her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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