I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
