if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
