I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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