i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
