He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
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Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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