i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
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We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
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It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Verdict: uncircumcised.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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