There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
