I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
