toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
