Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
