I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My vagina is officially offended.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
