I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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