A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
