I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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