I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
