I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
