and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
