Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
