WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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