Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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