**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
