The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
