Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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