She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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