i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
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He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
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My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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